Why Male Survivors are Impacted by a State of Isolation
Dan seemed to have a fairly set life: a steady job in sales, various social activities, a loving wife and children but he felt like something was wrong. Even though he was around people or talking with them most of the time he felt hardly any connection to them. He was just going through the motions of being a husband, father, salesman and friend.
Although he cared for others, and they seemingly cared for him, he felt like he was on his own island separated from everyone else.
Where does this sense of isolation come from?
Male survivors of sexual abuse carry a double bind when it comes to isolation. Not only has the abuse had a detrimental effect on your level of trust in others, it may also cause a feeling of numbness and separation that is difficult to pinpoint.
Add to that the fact that most men never share their emotions with their friends, and will mainly depend on their spouse for support only aggravates the situation. Our society views men showing their feelings as weak which can make the isolation even more permeable.
What can you do to shift this feeling of isolation?
Simply filling your social calendar or “making an effort” to engage with others isn’t enough. You must find someone you trust and discuss what the isolation is like.
When you depend on your significant other for all your support you can burden the relationship. Men who have been sexually abused need someone who understands how the isolation is part of the bigger picture of how the abuse has affected you overall.
Here are some steps to sorting out your feelings of isolation:
1. Write Isolation at the top of a page and then write any words under it that you feel as associated with the feeling. Don’t edit. You may be surprised by what you feel isolates you. It doesn’t have to make logical sense.
2. Sit comfortably, close your eyes and repeat the word “isolation” in your mind. Now see where you feel tension in your body and send breath there. If it feels overwhelming then stop.
3. Close your eyes and imagine being at a social gathering. Notice what feelings arise.
Imagine someone you trust coming over and noticing any discomfort you might be experiencing. You begin to discuss the emotions you’ve been holding onto and they listen openly without judgment. How do you feel afterwards?
But…
How will these steps help me in decreasing isolation?
By gently trying new approaches to an old emotion you open up slowly to understanding what is underneath the emotion itself. You may have strong upsurges of feelings. Remember to breathe as that will help to make more room to experience new feeling states.
How do I know I’m not just feeling lonely? Doesn’t everyone feel this way?
Loneliness is a common experience everyone has at one time or another. Isolation however is much stronger and pervasive. Where loneliness can be resolved by getting together with friends or engaging in an activity, isolation can happen even more so during social interaction.
A question to ask yourself is “Does the feeling lift when I’m around others I care about or does it worsen?
I’ve been feeling isolated my entire life. I don’t think it’s just going to change.
Isolation can feel quite dire. You may isolate yourself as a way to survive. When you were abused, being alone (even if it felt like hiding), might have felt much safer. Therefore you may choose to actually be alone most of the time or feel very much alone in the company of others.
There is a way to be alone and not feel isolated. To feel nurtured by yourself without avoiding others.
Back to Dan…
Dan reached a breaking point while giving a sales presentation. He realized he felt no connection with what he was speaking about, nor with anyone in the room. The fact that no one seemed to notice this made him feel even worse.
Dan sought out counseling and slowly began to piece together the puzzle about how his isolation stemmed from his abuse. He clearly saw how he created a “perfect” life that he didn’t feel internally connected to but looked externally ideal.
As he dealt with the struggle of the isolation directly he began to be able to feel, truly feel connections with people; not just think they might be happening. He began to open up to his partner in new ways and felt that he enjoyed “being a kid” and having fun with his children for the first time.
Dan realized that he had been cut off from feeling for a long time in order to protect himself from potentially being hurt.
Summary
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be alone or feeling lonely. Isolation, however, can feel like being on a deserted island with no way off.
Isolation is one of the most common states that survivors experience. Men can be impacted by this state even more because of the societal pressure to “keep it together” and not show any signs of emotional weaknesses.
You can feel the depth of what it is to be human, be seen as strong and powerful and be able to connect deeper in family and friendships. Survivors can consistently return to the thought that they are alone.
One in six boys are sexually abused by the age of 18. You are far from alone in your healing process. So many others want true connection as well.
What’s Next?
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