The Meaning Behind Discouragement

My grandmother has always said “Don’t get discouraged.” whenever I seem to be spinning my wheels or having a difficult time. Years ago when I got off the phone with her I thought about the word and realized that the meaning was to be without courage (dis-couraged). I was amazed at the significance of it.

Here I was having a minor meltdown and this very significant woman in my life was throwing that same phrase at me again that she always used when she didn’t know what else to say to me. However the fact remained that I was having a hard time being courageous in my life. I felt isolated, angry and felt that my choices were never my own; that whenever I accomplished something the rug was taken from under me. I felt defeated.

A TV Show Takes a Risk

I was reminded of these feeling while I watched an episode of Criminal Minds entitled “Profiler, Profiled”. Criminal Minds is a drama about a group of FBI profilers who psychologically examine the motives of extreme criminal cases. In this particular episode one of the main characters, Derek Morgan, has the roles reversed on him and is being held in his hometown on suspicion of murdering a teenager. His colleagues are trying to get him to talk so that they can find the real killer but he keeps hiding something.

The more they delve into his past to try and help him the angrier he becomes stating that some things should just be left alone and that everyone deserves a certain amount of privacy. His friends know he is innocent but cannot seem to connect the dots. When they find out that one of his mentors, Carl Buford, a local hero who ran a youth center Morgan went to is helping to indict him, they confront Morgan about it. Slowly things start to come together.

A Secret Held Becomes Revealed

The suspense builds as Morgan escapes from police custody and finds a teenage boy who currently attends the same youth center he once did as a teenager. He presents a captivating monologue about how he knows that Carl Buford sexually abused this boy because as he says “It happened to me, too”. It is the first time in his life that he ever told anyone about his abuse. He promises to protect the young man.

An Intense Confrontation Takes Place

In the next scene Morgan shows up at the youth center and confronts Buford, his perpetrator, directly. The man tries to manipulate Morgan into believing that he had a choice in the matter but Morgan perseveres in his truth and is witnessed by both the police and his colleagues. The community “leader” is shown for who he truly is and is taken away in handcuffs. It is an episode I highly recommend you watch.

Finding the Courage to Be Without Compromise

Not all survivors will have the opportunity to confront their perpetrators directly. Just as this fictional depiction demonstrates, many hide the fact that anything ever happened for years, if not their entire life. Finding courage is about coming to terms with the fact that you were sexually abused. That it did happen, that you had no choice, that you are not to blame.

You need to be able to know your fears intimately, for they hold the wisdom to counterbalance the fear directly. Not every fear can be dealt with in one fell swoop but through slow determination you can internally meet your fears and overcome the control they seemingly have over you.

There is help out there. You are not alone. Many are on the same healing path as your self.

What’s Next?

If you would like to learn more about healing sexual abuse from a male perspective, subscribe to my free newsletter.

The main reason why you, as a male survivor, benefit from learning how to self sooth is that it gives you options to take care of yourself in any situation. It gives you the ultimate freedom, that of choice. Even though you may make some decisions that have negative impacts, you can learn to re-trace your steps; to notice a method of self-soothing that would have helped you in that circumstance.

The Reason Why Survivors Sabotage Themselves

As a survivor you had to find methods to survive and withstand the abuse you experienced. When your past trauma gets triggered you may react with the tactics you use to alleviate the pain or stress you endure are based in fear.

Even though you may want more balance and integration in your life you may sabotage opportunities and relationships for the fear that if you obtained joy or peace there would be a price. That the happiness will end in a destructive manner or that somehow you don’t deserve love.

What is Self-Soothing?

Self-soothing is a method of learning alternative ways to take care of yourself in any situation. Repeating habitual patterns keeps you from living a full life. You can consciously choose ways that allow you to open new possibilities for growth and transformation.

How do you learn to self soothe?

Many survivors of sexual abuse have developed unhealthy strategies to cope with their complicated feelings. Unfortunately this can result in developing a self-abusing pattern that lessens the current pain but creates a new spiraling down of negative behavior.

Instead of choosing addictive tendencies to dull the pain you can find healthy ways to be with difficult situations based in nurturing and self-care. The point is to notice when uncomfortable feelings arise and have methods at hand that allow you to take care of yourself the way a healthy adult would comfort a child in need.

In many ways you are developing a system of re-parenting yourself in the way you wish you had been protected. The goal is to minimize the impact of the pain, to consciously choose another way of approaching difficulty.

What are some methods of self-soothing?

Each individual will have his or her own way of self-soothing. From breathing exercises to going for a walk, to free writing or other creative activities, what is right for one person is dependent on who you are and what you respond to.

This is a good way to find out what will work for you:

• Choose a person or an animal that you have limitless compassion for. You don’t need to know them. What is important is that if you knew this being was in pain you would want to bring him/ her comfort.

• Imagine that this being is having a difficult time whether it is physical, emotional or psychological. Notice what the pain is like for them and see how it affects you. They do not deserve this pain. In this situation you may feel drawn to go to them and comfort them but resist this impulse.

• See how you can help this being from a distance. What will work best? Imagining their pain disintegrating, surrounding them a healing light, drawing what the pain looks like, taking deep breaths as you might encourage them to do. What seems best will depend on the being you see in pain.

• Once you go through this process start again from the beginning choosing a different being to focus on. Write down how you held compassion in each instance and then use this list when you get triggered. Carry it with you, put it on post-it notes in different places. Let it be a guide to helping you choose healthy ways to self-soothe.

Remember: you can do this from a joyful or neutral feeling state as well.

Each individual situation you encounter will require different methods to ease the pain, to create a self-soothing tool kit.

Retracing the Steps of a Difficult Situation

You will come across situations where you sabotage yourself, however, you can retrace your steps and see how you could do it differently. There may be several different ways in which you could have handled the situation. You can pinpoint the moment when you got angry or fearful or how you acted on impulse. You may have daily activities that are habitually painful.

Allow yourself the space to look at the situation as you would in the exercise above. As if you are watching yourself about to make a choice that will not benefit you pause the scene as if it were a movie. How would you change this scene if you were directing it?

In Summary

At times it is easier to give comfort or have compassion for others or people we don’t know. We can see that a cashier is having a hard day and we make small talk or offer a smile of appreciation. It is important to do the same for yourself when painful instances occur. Even if you cannot do it at the time, you can retrace your steps and see what self-soothing method would have worked best.

This may not be easy but it doesn’t have to be difficult either. Stay simple and practice it a few times a day when you are not experiencing a hard time. See how you can give nurturing to yourself despite your mood or situation.

As a survivor you were put into compromising situations that are not your fault. It’s never too late to create a healthy paradigm of self-care that helps you regulate your emotional state and gives you the ability to live your life in joy.

What’s Next?

If you would like to learn more about healing sexual abuse from a male perspective, subscribe to my free newsletter.

Even though he trained in martial arts, he didn’t feel prepared for assault. In fact, he felt uneasy and repeatedly played out fantasies of having to defend himself from brawls even though he had never been in a physical fight.

What is hypervigilance?

Simply put hypervigilance is a state where you are “on” all the time You are excessively aware of sound, movement and other people’s energies (or vibes). There is a power in this supra-awareness; the ability to calculate the motives and perceived desires of others. Ultimately, however, it is exhauting to both your nervous system and your emotional well-being.

Why is hypervigilance so common in survivors?

As a survivor of sexual abuse you were put in situations where you were dominated against your will. You were forced physically, emotionally and psychologically into activity that was threatening, confusing and overwhelming.

You have learned on a deep level that you need to protect yourself however you can to avoid that pain, creating an armor that is taxing to your overall health. Even those closest to you may have qualities that seem suspicious and you monitor them with accuracy.

How can I transform hypervigilance into grounded intuition?

One of the negative effects of hypervigilance is perceiving everyone in your life as a potential threat. Some of these threats are real but many are not. There is a way to take this heightened sense of awareness and transform it to serve you through grounded intuition.

Intuition is the ability to feel directly into experiences and derive the gut feelings that help you to know when you are safe or not. Intuition creates a foundation for understanding your own actions as well as those of others. You are able to make informed decisions by trusting the part of you that knows how to decipher between your instincts and your impulses.

An exercise to transform hypervigilance into intuition:

Close your eyes and imagine you are in a crowded room of people you know well. Fill the room with people who you like and dislike. Notice the smells, sounds and movements of the people there. Notice how you feel without judging it as good or bad.

Choose one person to watch closely. Watch every gesture, facial expression and listen to what they say. You notice a door that leads to another room, which is empty and safe. Reflecting on everything you noticed about this person answer these questions:

*Is this person safe?
*Why is (s)he safe or unsafe?
*Does (s)he want to bring you harm and why?
*What would be the best way to make yourself safe in the company of this person?
*Where do you feel the answers to these questions in your body?

You may feel that the answers are illogical or difficult to grasp. That’s ok. Training your intuition takes practice, however your intuition is always present and accessible. You just need to train it to work on your behalf.

But…

Why would I want to let my guard down? Isn’t being aware of my surroundings a good thing?

Being aware of your surroundings is a necessary aspect of being human. Having your guard up 24-7 can create a tiring and overwhelming existence. Hypervigilance offers a narrow perspective on life, one that is based in trauma. You can feel like everyone is out to get you, when in truth, there are people who want to keep you safe from danger.

These people are your allies and it’s important to distinguish them from potential persecutors.

Isn’t intuition the same as gong with a “gut feeling”? Shouldn’t I think about my impulse to react rather than acting on gut instincts?

Yes, intuition is similar to a gut feeling but rather than acting on impulse alone, intuition is a heightened level of intelligence that resides in the physical and emotional body. You can train your intuition so that you can relax into situations, even uncomfortable ones.

You can make choices that are executed from a multitude of perspectives based on understanding the whole picture rather than a consistent sense of threatened attack.

Back to Larry

During a sparring match in his karate class, the instructor had four other students “attack” Larry simultaneously. Larry completely froze in terror, unable to move. Later that night he made the connection with the severe overwhelm he felt when he was about to be abused.

As Larry worked to transform his hypervigilance into intuition he as able to make distinctions between people’s true motivations and what he thought they might be. He learned how to “feel people out” and get a better sense of who and how safe they were.

He also realized that his peers in karate were more concerned with his safety than his ability to defend himself.

Summary

Your intuition is one of the most useful tools accessible to you that helps to differentiate what is truly a threat. You can learn to use your awareness of your surroundings to your advantage without exhausting yourself. By opening to the power of your intuition you can create useful foundation for understanding yourself and others with compassion, kindness and open awareness.

What’s Next?

If you would like to learn more about healing sexual abuse from a male perspective, subscribe to my free newsletter.

Although he cared for others, and they seemingly cared for him, he felt like he was on his own island separated from everyone else.

Where does this sense of isolation come from?

Male survivors of sexual abuse carry a double bind when it comes to isolation.  Not only has the abuse had a detrimental effect on your level of trust in others, it may also cause a feeling of numbness and separation that is difficult to pinpoint.

Add to that the fact that most men never share their emotions with their friends, and will mainly depend on their spouse for support only aggravates the situation.  Our society views men showing their feelings as weak which can make the isolation even more permeable.

What can you do to shift this feeling of isolation?

Simply filling your social calendar or “making an effort” to engage with others isn’t enough.  You must find someone you trust and discuss what the isolation is like.

When you depend on your significant other for all your support you can burden the relationship. Men who have been sexually abused need someone who understands how the isolation is part of the bigger picture of how the abuse has affected you overall.

Here are some steps to sorting out your feelings of isolation:

1. Write Isolation at the top of a page and then write any words under it that you feel as associated with the feeling.  Don’t edit.  You may be surprised by what you feel isolates you.  It doesn’t have to make logical sense.

2. Sit comfortably, close your eyes and repeat the word “isolation” in your mind.  Now see where you feel tension in your body and send breath there.  If it feels overwhelming then stop.

3. Close your eyes and imagine being at a social gathering. Notice what feelings arise.

Imagine someone you trust coming over and noticing any discomfort you might be experiencing. You begin to discuss the emotions you’ve been holding onto and they listen openly without judgment.  How do you feel afterwards?

But…

How will these steps help me in decreasing isolation?

By gently trying new approaches to an old emotion you open up slowly to understanding what is underneath the emotion itself.  You may have strong upsurges of feelings.  Remember to breathe as that will help to make more room to experience new feeling states.

How do I know I’m not just feeling lonely?  Doesn’t everyone feel this way?

Loneliness is a common experience everyone has at one time or another.  Isolation however is much stronger and pervasive.  Where loneliness can be resolved by getting together with friends or engaging in an activity, isolation can happen even more so during social interaction.

A question to ask yourself is “Does the feeling lift when I’m around others I care about or does it worsen?

I’ve been feeling isolated my entire life.  I don’t think it’s just going to change.

Isolation can feel quite dire.  You may isolate yourself as a way to survive.  When you were abused, being alone (even if it felt like hiding), might have felt much safer.  Therefore you may choose to actually be alone most of the time or feel very much alone in the company of others.

There is a way to be alone and not feel isolated.  To feel nurtured by yourself without avoiding others.

Back to Dan…

Dan reached a breaking point while giving a sales presentation. He realized he felt no connection with what he was speaking about, nor with anyone in the room.  The fact that no one seemed to notice this made him feel even worse.

Dan sought out counseling and slowly began to piece together the puzzle about how his isolation stemmed from his abuse. He clearly saw how he created a “perfect” life that he didn’t feel internally connected to but looked externally ideal.

As he dealt with the struggle of the isolation directly he began to be able to feel, truly feel connections with people; not just think they might be happening.  He began to open up to his partner in new ways and felt that he enjoyed “being a kid” and having fun with his children for the first time.

Dan realized that he had been cut off from feeling for a long time in order to protect himself from potentially being hurt.

Summary

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be alone or feeling lonely.  Isolation, however, can feel like being on a deserted island with no way off.

Isolation is one of the most common states that survivors experience. Men can be impacted by this state even more because of the societal pressure to “keep it together” and not show any signs of emotional weaknesses.

You can feel the depth of what it is to be human, be seen as strong and powerful and be able to connect deeper in family and friendships.  Survivors can consistently return to the thought that they are alone.

One in six boys are sexually abused by the age of 18.   You are far from alone in your healing process. So many others want true connection as well.

What’s Next?

If you would like to learn more about healing sexual abuse from a male perspective, subscribe to my free newsletter.

What was worse was the guilt he felt as he lied about long hours at work, hanging out with friends, or other obligations that didn’t exist.

What is the purpose of a Male Survivor keeping secrets?

Simply put, the purpose of keeping secrets is power. During your abuse you were either directly threatened or subtly coerced into secrecy about your abuse. Whatever tactic was used kept the perpetrator in the power position.

You learned how to keep a secret about a very powerful experience. Now you use that skill in order to take back the power that was stolen from you. However, the secret world that you keep (and refuse to give up) is one that is wound up in guilt and shame.

Why is having a secret world so important for Sexual abuse survivors?

As a survivor, the loss of control felt during an abusive situation continues into adult life and shows up in the day-to-day decisions that you make. You may have overwhelming situations at home, work and in friendships that consciously or unconsciously remind you of the abuse. This does not always make logical sense. Your secret world helps to alleviate the stress and sense of overwhelm that seems “out of control”.

You may indulge in drinking, gambling, drug use, pornography, compulsive masturbation, massage parlors, overworking, promiscuity, excessive procrastination or a variety of other methods to control the pain. The fact that you get away with these secrets may make the impulse to do them greater and in more intense circumstances that have the possibility of exposing you.

In many ways you are re-living your traumatic experiences, this time from the position of power but the person being abused is the same: yourself.

How does living with secrets compromise your success and intimate relationships?

The foremost person that your secret world affects is you. You may put yourself in compromising situations that could dangerously affect your health and safety. You know this to be true but the urge to indulge does not seem optional.

If your secret is “found out” you may feel incredibly defensive of protecting it and may try to shut out the person who has discovered your double life. You deeply wish to find comfort in someone who understands that you are not a bad person, not weak. This, though, seems impossible.

What are the steps to sharing your secret word with someone else?

Trust is the key word. Trust was another key component that was damaged during your abuse. You may feel that there is no one whom you can depend on beside yourself and that burden weighs heavily on you.

Here are some steps towards safely confiding in another person:

1. Set aside some time to write about your secret world. This is a personal journal that no one else ever needs to see. The first person you need to get honest with is yourself. Write about every aspect of why having this secret is important, how it makes you feel and what it would be like to not have it hidden any longer.

2. Write the words Trust and Unconditional Love at the top of a page as separate columns. Now write down anyone who you know that you feel you would trust with this sensitive information. Do the same for people you feel unconditionally love you.

If you draw blanks on either of these lists don’t panic. The ability to trust and feel love has been tainted by the abuse. This exercise is merely a way to get specific about the people in your life that are close to you.

3. Contact a counselor who is compassionate to the complexities of child sexual abuse, and in particular male survivors. It is of the utmost importance that you work with someone who is not judgmental of your choices. Having a third party who holds your experience in confidence can lessen the feeling of being exposed.

I work with most clients by phone, which is also helpful in terms of anonymity, as sometimes “facing” someone else about these issues is difficult.

Wait a Minute…

“I thought that everyone kept secrets of some kind? What makes mine different?”

Although the gap between a little white lie and betrayal is vast, the main difference of a male survivor’s secrets is the perpetuation of sexual dysfunction.

The double life you lead and the compromises you make in order to hide this secret world is simply exhausting. The fact that exposing your secret world would have a detrimental effect on your life feels very real, however it is a choice that will ultimately free you from the confines of the abuse.

“I’ve had a secret world for so long. I don’t know if I can stop.”

This is normal. It is beyond a simple urge or craving. Keeping the secret seems absolutely necessary. Having to hide, to not tell, for fear of being exposed, ostracized or judged far outweighs the desire to either stop or to seek out help.

The learned behavior of keeping secrets can be unwound and understood. You can find a sense of peace and comfort in sharing the details of your hidden self with a trusted ally in your healing process.

Martin Decides to Change

After months of hiding his strip club outings from his partner, his need to go got worse. It was almost becoming a daily occurrence that he found himself in a new club. He started to experience panic attacks and have flashbacks of his sexual abuse.

Martin decided to seek help. As he slowly started to talk about his secret life with his counselor he began to see how his strip club fascination was a way of acting out the power dynamics he had with his perpetrator.

He slowly began to see the patterns: the specific way of hiding his emotions, the guilt he felt for having sexual desire and how he held himself responsible for being abused. He understood for the first time that he needed to forgive himself.

In Summary

Underneath the secrecy that Male Survivors keep are the complicated feelings and thoughts surrounding the abuse. In short, you were put into a state of dire terror and are making decisions from that place.

When anything reminds you of the abuse you may decide to use your secret world to escape the overwhelm, even if it causes you to feel worse afterwards. The way to get through this is to talk it out. You go slowly with a counselor that you trust.

You can heal the abuse, have extraordinary connections with friends, family and sexual partners and have a rewarding career. All of these things are possible. You can lead a life where secrets feel like options instead of necessity.

What’s Next?

If you would like to learn more about healing sexual abuse from a male perspective, subscribe to my free newsletter.

All of his life Gary felt that he had to adhere to the belief that “boys don’t cry”. Being a man meant keeping a “stiff upper lip” under any circumstances.

What is True Masculinity?

True Masculinity is being able to honor your emotions as an ever-changing truth. You work with feeling states in healthy way and keep your critical thinking intact, with no apologies.

It’s difficult enough for a man to express his emotions but even more complicated when you’ve been sexually abused. The intense shame around disclosing your abuse is at odds with how you think a man should handle his personal history.

“It’s in the past. I should just move on.”

This kind of thinking is the end result of how the subject of males being sexually abused has become extremely taboo. In many people’s minds, sexual abuse of boys and men doesn’t exist. It just doesn’t happen. Even as some celebrity figures have come out about their abuse (Oprah, Tori Amos), none of them are men.

There are no well known role models for how a healthy adult male survivor can thrive and live out his dreams regardless of his history. Add to that the pressure of always having to “hold it together”, be strong and mainly relate to your male friends through biting humor and you have a recipe for repression.

Why does a history of sexual abuse cause you to feel emasculated?

Do you relate to any of the following beliefs?

*Men are supposed to be strong and keep it together no matter the situation.
*Showing emotions means you are weak.
*Life isn’t a bowl of cherries. Sometimes you’re handed a dud. Deal with it.
*Stop being so sensitive. Life isn’t fair.

Whether or not you believe these statements are true, they are pervasive within our society. For the most part the media, school, our peer group and our culture have engrained a specific acceptable formula for being a man. Most men feel that they can only share intimacy with their significant other. Even with their closest friends the most intimate subjects stay shelved.

For most men, the idea of showing emotions is akin to being the central character in your own horror movie. The idea of exposure is terrifying.

When a man has experienced sexual abuse (at any age) it can feel as if a piece of his manhood was taken from him. A power play was set in motion by the perpetrator to keep the victim weak. This feeling of weakness can show up later as negative feeling states such as self-loathing and depression.

Society’s example of the macho, tough-as-nails man only furthers this sense of isolation and need to try to “be a man” despite your true inclinations.

What are some methods to help reclaim my Masculinity?

1. Write the word Masculine at the top of a blank sheet of paper. Make a list of all the adjectives that you think describe masculinity. Don’t think about it too much. Let your mind go and free write as much as possible. Then make a list of men you know, either personally or famous, that fit this profile.

Next write the word Hero on a separate piece of paper and repeat the steps outlined above. Adjectives first and then men you think fit the profile. Are they the same, different, not sure? See what happens.

2. In your mind choose the man from your list who feels the safest. Imagine being in a comfortable room with him. He is there for you, completely engaged and ready to listen. Keep breathing. Now tell him what it is like for you being a man. Don’t edit. He will not judge you.

Watch as he listens to you, empathizing with you. When you are done, see if he has anything to say to you or not. When you are ready slowly open your eyes and breathe. Take your time. How do you feel? Write it down.

3. Breathe. This cannot be emphasized enough. You may have judgments and criticisms come up as you’ve been reading. That’s fine. Breathe into them and see what happens. Your breath can give you so much insight.

How will doing these exercises help me?

You may feel as though you have no resources for discussing your trauma. This is the case for many men. These exercises are steps towards a dialogue you may not be ready to have in person.

When you see that you have the courage to speak your truth in your mind’s eye, you are that much closer to being able to do it in real time.

But…

“Aren’t men supposed to be able to deal with anything that comes? Aren’t we just wired differently?”

Society has granted a small palate of emotions for men that are generally accepted. In most cases it’s not ok for men to express rage, sorrow, grief or fear. When we are small children our caretakers empathetically meet our tears. When we reach a certain age emoting can be seen as weak.

You may be stifling your emotions because you think you have to, that there is no other choice.

“What do you mean? Are you saying that showing your emotions is masculine?”

Being able to feel the full range of the human experience is your birthright. To be able to “unlearn” your definitions of what is masculine will give you the ability to live your life without embarrassment.

It will give you permission to be yourself without compromising your integrity.

“I feel as though the abuse has stripped me of my masculinity. It’s made me confused about my sexuality.”

Parts of you that get lost during sexual abuse can be reclaimed again. There can be identity crisis around sexual preference, intimacy, compulsive behavior around sex and/or rejecting sex altogether.

By slowing down and relating to who you essentially are you get an integrated picture of both your trauma and your current experiences. This takes the place of trying to fit yourself into a box in order to feel safe and accepted by others.

Back to Gary

When Gary first did the writing exercise he found that he only had one male on his list that he felt comfortable talking to: Phillip, his best friend from childhood.

Besides the fact that he felt awkward having a discussion with Phillip in his head, he breathed slowly which helped him relax. When he was done speaking, Phillip smiled and said he understood. In that moment Gary felt that he was acknowledged for the first time around his masculinity and the confusion he felt.

In a Nutshell…

True Masculinity is not difficult to achieve. It is however, different than what you were taught on the playground. It is not survival of the fittest. To be able to feel your emotions thoroughly, use your critical thinking skills and be honest with yourself and others about who you are is the goal.

To be able to have a sense of humor in the process is essential as well.

You can use the writing and visualization exercises to uncover your thoughts and feelings around masculinity. Remember, this is your experience. There’s no one telling you that you are dong it right or wrong.

Keep breathing. Breath is the gateway to understanding feeling states.

What’s Next?

If you would like to learn more about healing sexual abuse from a male perspective, subscribe to my free newsletter.

When you are forced to do something against your will, you feel powerless. As an adult, this can show up by approaching the world from a place of

1. Being meek and severely introverted or
2. Having a violent temper and addiction to chaos.

Rage can be oppressively apparent, like a heat source in your body. That in itself can feel powerful. However, do you know how to harness its force?

Hurting Those We Care For

Many times it can be used against those we love in the worst moments. And it scares them. A lot. Outbursts of rage can be followed by the intense guilt of hurting someone close to you. Paradoxically you may be defensive of expressing the rage as it releases the sense of victimization that is ever so present.

A Sense of Empowerment

The sense of empowerment can bring up confusion as to why you would ever want to let it go. It’s as if there is a bond between your body and mind that feels very alive, ready to take on the world. The fear, usually so present, is absent during this time. However, this freedom is short-lived or carries its own sense of overwhelm.

The empowerment is real but its negative impact on others is the problem; the very thing you need to avoid as the repercussions spin you into a cycle of abuse. Guilt and shame may follow an outburst making you feel isolated and misunderstood. You may set yourself up to repeatedly rage at close loved ones in order to complete this cycle, only to find yourself pushing away those who matter most and creating a reputation of a ticking time bomb.

Riding the Rage’s Wave

There is a way to use rage in an incredibly creative capacity. There is the option to transform the essence of the feeling into a deep understanding of how you connect with others and yourself on an emotional level.

Do you notice the followings states accompanying an experience of rage?

*Hypervigilance: This is when your awareness of your surroundings is heightened to notice a pin dropping. You are prepared to attack anything and anyone who seems to be a threat.

*Severe Overwhelm: This results when the rage hits a tipping point or peak and stays there. You have a difficult time not feeling pissed off about everything. Its not that you want to be the center of the storm but you feel you have no choice in the matter.

*Bitterness: All who have wronged you are in sharp focus. You revisit the past going through tapes of past hurts and pains ranging from embarrassing to dire humiliation. You play out in your mind how you would take revenge on these perpetrators.

Perhaps even reading the above indications can bring up an uncomfortable sense in your body. Know that the raw emotion itself is not the problem but how you attach it to thoughts and past situations that bring the upheaval.

Hold On a Minute…

“This feeling of rage has so much power. Why would I want to let that go (rid myself of it, suppress it, etc.?”

The raw essence of rage isn’t the issue, it’s the misuse of power you exalt towards others that is the problem. Remember this power dynamic is exactly what was happening when you were abused. The reason why expressing this anger (without holding anything back) feels so good is because you weren’t able to do it at the time of the abuse.

However you can learn how to create healthy boundaries without causing harm or detriment to your close relationships. The goal is to take you out of the roles of victim and perpetrator altogether.

“I don’t get how you can use rage creatively. That doesn’t seem possible.”

When you are in the midst of rage channeling it constructively may not seem possible. There are many ways to bring awareness to the raw feeling so that when you feel the first inclinations of it happening you have a functional system in place. This will provide you with options and choices of how to work with rage successfully.

By tapping into these new avenues of being with rage you create solutions that fit the situation and environment. Imagine being able to take that power and use it towards something that not only benefits yourself, but others as well.

“I’m afraid that if I feel this rage I will spin out of control. I don’t trust myself when it comes up.”

The crucial word in here is trust. Your trust was violated at the time of the abuse. That distrust can transfer onto your own feeling states and ways of acting “out of control”. The purpose of working with rage is not about confronting it but rather befriending the emotion so that you are using its power instead of the rage draining yours.

When you are able to use a systematic approach to feeling rage and using it beneficially you also are able to access other emotional states (some for the very first time) that enable you to deepen your intimate relationships and be in line with your life’s work.

Steps to Working with Rage

1. Slow down and breathe. When you get triggered into a rage state you may go on auto-pilot ready to lash out at those around you. Remember no one can take this feeling away from you but you will need to maintain control of it.

Excuse yourself from the situation, find a quiet place and close your eyes. Take deep breaths in and exhale slowly out of your mouth. While you do this monitor where you feel the rage in your body and keep sending breath there.

2. Get Physical. Go for a walk or hike, preferably out in nature. If you can’t do this because of the situation try and do some form of cardio-vascular exercise (push-ups, sit-ups, jumping jacks) for even two minutes. This will help to move the emotion to a new state.

3. Create without Judgment. This is different for everyone. Write, journal, draw, paint, play guitar, sing. The purpose here is not to work on something formal or to get caught up in whether or not you are “creative”.

Just go for it with no end result in mind. When you were in kindergarten you were an artist. You didn’t need to prove anything. You didn’t wonder whether something was good or not. You just did it. If one creative process doesn’t work for you try another.

Regardless of what you do for a living this will give you inspiration for how you are in the world. The freedom to create without boundaries can help catapult you towards healing in a way you never thought possible.

What’s Next?

Subscribe to my free newsletter Healing the Survivor for more helpful information on how to deal effectively with the feeling states that accompany sexual trauma.

The Paradox of Shame

Many times when you indulge in an activity that is unhealthy, it is coming from a deep sense of shame. When you continually act from a place of trauma you draw more situations into your life to play out that trauma. There is always a possibility of healing, of making a different decision.

However, if you do not have the skill set of how to maneuver through the same situations differently, you will continually try to solve the puzzle in the same way. You react from a habitual sense of survival even if you intuitively know that it doesn’t work so well. The abuse that was once inflicted upon us becomes self-induced.

Questions to Ask Yourself About How You Deal With Shame.

* Do you isolate yourself continually from others for fear of being a “downer” or fear that others will see your true self?
* Do you use compulsive behavior in order to numb yourself or get a quick fix only to feel reverberations of intense loneliness and guilt afterwards?
* Do you avoid intimate interactions and conversations because you do not want to reveal aspects of your past that are painful?

The Good News

The good news is that the power to change is in your control. You can learn what is necessary to shift towards healthy choices. The manner in which you respond to different life situations will be in your own hands. The reason that we don’t understand how to take the first step is based in the pressure that shame has on our psychology.

Boys Don’t Cry

For example, it is very common for boys past a certain age to be shamed for crying no matter the situation. It is viewed as a sign of weakness and vulnerability, which can be seen as inherently bad. So anytime as an adult male you undergo a painful situation, even one that is purely physical such as getting hurt during a contact sport, you may hold back the need to emote so as not to be seen as weak by your team mates. Many times the layers are not only about the shame of not being able to control your own emotions but also how to deal with the reactions of others to your pain. Even during the death of a loved one males will “hold it together” comforting the women who grieve at will.

Building Up Armor to Guard Against Feeling

In many cases men build armor around them so that feeling comes second to thinking and problem solving. This does not erase the feeling of shame but merely buries it. In order to access and release these deep underlying parts of yourself you may indulge in activities such as drinking and drugs in order to have an excuse to tell your story. Although these “truth serums” act as a portal to buried frustrations they also lower your tolerance for actual healing by creating an escape route for intensified self-abuse.

For example, an addiction to pornography may lead to temporary relief but it can leave you feeling isolated and broken. So the cycle continues without resolution unless you to recognize it as a problem.

The Fear of Other’s Judgment

Many times if men show their emotions without the context of being inebriated or high they can then have to endure the stigma of being gay (whether that is true or not). To endure being ridiculed out loud or silently judged by peers, who are actually reacting from their own sense of shame around their sexuality, only worsens the inner turmoil.

Since being emotional is usually seen as a purely feminine trait most of the primary emotion will be expressed as rage and anger. Although anger has its own place in the healing process it can also become a mask for deep unrelenting sadness and grief.

Around the age of 15 some of my friends found ways to get alcohol for weekend parties. I remember numerous times watching my friends get completely wasted and go into fits of rage about their hearts getting broken, the desperation around their family dynamics. The image that stays with me the most is watching my best friend sitting in the middle of a street and punching the concrete ground screaming up at the sky. His pain, his hurt was so overbearing. His feelings were not taken in or recognized by his family. His grief was a twisted root, shame coiling around it unable to ground down and sink, to be held and understood.

Many times when we are shamed by others, the feeling (that sink in your stomach, craving to disappear immediately) goes inward and manifests as self-hatred. “I could have…”, “Why didn’t I…”, “If only she knew…” All of these fill-in-the-blank scenarios can be traced back to an experience that is shame-based.

Steps to Working with Shame

1. Give yourself permission to feel shame. This may seem strange. “Why would I want to feel shame?” Probably because it was, and still is, not ok to do so. You need to be the one that normalizes it, to let it be there. Find a safe space where you can be alone for a few minutes. Identify whether the feeling state is shame. Get a sense of where it is in your body. Say to yourself, “It’s ok to feel this emotion.”

2. Don’t get caught up in the story. It’s not important why you are feeling this at this moment. Focus on the sensation of the shame, where it is. Does it burn? Is it heavy? Does it make you want to hide? Focus on the sensation and let it become bigger by breathing into it, even if for 30 seconds.

3. This won’t kill you. Know that by doing this simple process you are creating a new way of relating with shame. Many times you may have avoided feeling shame like this because you thought you would die. You won’t. What you will do is build up more courage and strength.

Fortunately by allowing yourself to feel shame, by letting it rise up and get big, you make room in your psychology to stay with something that seems unbearable. You reach a tipping point, a crescendo of emotion and in this find yourself able to make a sane step towards resolution. It is not easy by any means but it is more than possible, and even more necessary for a healthy relationship to true masculinity.

What’s Next?

If you would like to learn more about healing sexual abuse from a male perspective, subscribe to my free newsletter Healing The Survivor.